THE CARDIGANS // YOU'RE THE STORM

If I were to compile my coming-of-age soundtrack, it'd have Simply Red's Fairground, George Michael and Mary J Blige's As, Janet Jackson's Together Again, the Spice Girls' Say You'll Be There, and The Cardigans' Lovefool.

The Cardigans,  a Swedish band formed in 1992, skyrocketed to fame when director Baz Luhrmann picked Lovefool for the soundtrack of William Shakespeare's Romeo + Juliet. I  instantly took to the song's chorus - Love me, love me! Say that you love me! - because it captured my own need for constant affirmation. I lived for moments when the music video would come out on MTV or when the DJ at my local radio station would finally respond to my endless requests to play it again.

I haven't heard anything from The Cardigans since then.

I woke up today with a craving for music I grew up with, which led me to Long Gone Before Daylight (2003), The Cardigans' comeback album after a five-year hiatus. You're the Storm is the first track. I can only describe it as mellow Europop / rock / country. It has a haunting quality to it - a soaring melody coupled with an undercurrent of malevolent strumming.

SORSOGON

 // CHRIS. //

The Diva Video Of The Day™ Gloria Estefan / Heaven's What I Feel

//

Love sometimes can be like destiny

There’s no way to say forever

It may not realise your dreams

And love sometimes is like the blowing wind

It can take us to wherever

Sending us on silent wings

But I have broken all the rules of love

I never dreamed that I could come this far

And now I’m lost in my emotions

You’re becoming my devotion

There’s nothing I can do to stop this love for you

I was not supposed to fall in love with you

I have someone else and someone else is loving you

And I was not supposed to let this love get through

So let me say for real, heaven’s what I feel when I’m with you

It is forever, I feel like heaven

(My love is true when I’m with you)

//

THE NON-HYPERACTIVE CHRIS™

 // MATEO HOT SPRINGS, SORSOGON //

The Diva Video Of The Day™ Trisha Yearwood / How Do I Live

//

Without you there'd be no sun in my sky

There would be no love in my life

There'd be no world left for me

And I, baby, I don't know what I would do

I'd be lost if I lost you, if you ever leave

Baby, you would take away everything real in my life

And tell me now

How do I live without you? I want to know

How do I breathe without you if you ever go?

How do I ever, ever survive?

How do I, how do I, oh, how do I live?

//

CHRISTOPHER RALPH ADAMS

// DONSOL //

Sanctuary

Waiting for scraps from the table

Chris and the newborn kittens

Matu

Sirangan breakfast

Chris slices along the length of the infinity pool

Rattan Room, with two walls of floor-to-ceiling glass sliding doors

Sirangan, more than just a resort and organic farm, is an animal sanctuary of sorts. It is home to a few dogs, several cats (one of which gave birth to two kittens in a jar - all by herself), a mouthy bird who likes to say "Pangit ka!" (You're ugly!), sheep, chickens, ducks, a fat bullfrog (who likes to hop between guests' legs they enjoy meals in the mess hall), and who knows what else... 

Sirangan gave me peace and quiet when I needed to be alone with my thoughts, but it also provided peripheral noise immediately whenever my thoughts would get too toxic for my own good.  

The trip to Sorsogon hurled me harder down the dirt of depression. It was a proper brain fuck. Thrown deep into the country of my birth, I was more disconnected than ever to the world as I knew it. I felt like such a poseur in life, in general. I came from somewhere, I somehow lost my way, I won't admit it, and now it seems I've got nowhere to go.

My ugly thoughts were only magnified, juxtaposed as they were against the impossible perfection of Sorsogon.

Yuck, everything is beautiful except me.

In Sirangan, I was just another animal in need of a sanctuary.
     

// Mayon Volcano as seen from Legazpi Airport //

BARCELONA. SORSOGON, NOT SPAIN

It was Vicky, our Sirangan hostess from Barcelona (Spain), who arranged for Chris and myself to visit Barcelona (Sorsogon).

Barcelona's main attraction is the Bicol region's oldest church built in 1874 by Spanish friars of the Franciscan Order. Its patron is Saint Joseph, a carpenter. Although small, the church is noteworthy for more than just its antiquity. Coral reefs were used to create the church walls. The carvings on the coral reef façade make the church a priceless relic.

Locals say that the town was called Barcelona by homesick Spaniards because the place reminded them of Barcelona in Spain.

Barcelona, Sorsogon is a sleepy, little, coastal town.

Barcelona, Spain, in stark contrast, is a buzzing pilgrimage site. It is home to Basílica i Temple Expiatori de la Sagrada Família - a large, ambitious, architecturally complex, poke-your-eyes-out Roman Catholic church designed by Antoni Gaudí. Construction began in 1883 but the church is still incomplete. Nevertheless, it has been proclaimed a UNESCO World Heritage Site.

Barcelona, Spain is also arguably the world's liveliest gay mecca. But I doubt the Franciscan friars knew that. Or, maybe they did.

Any which way, the closest to a gay experience that Chris and I got from Barcelona, Sorsogon was a brief encounter with a gaggle of effeminate, young things who had just been dismissed from classes. They were fun and full of energy.

They happily skipped rope, stuck their tongues out at my camera, said "Hello! What's your name?" to Chris, etc. Saint Joseph would have approved.

Dancalan

LAUGHTER

The best medicine.

// Dancalan Beach //

Ensconced in a small, quiet, peaceful community.

Fine, golden sand. 

Shallow waters and coral reefs teeming with marine life. 

Unspoiled.

Deserted. 

All mine.

VOLCANIC

 

"There are three types of rocks," Chris explained. "Igneous, sedimentary, metamorphic."

We were on our way to Bulusan National Park in a rented van. He majored in Geology and so I asked him to please humour me with "Geology for Idiots" to pass the long hours of travel in rural Philippines.

"I miss Hong Kong," I wailed. My face crumpled, molten rivulets of tears streaming down my cheeks like lava from a hyperactive volcano. "I miss my friends."

I flunked physics and I barely passed chemistry, but I remembered that elementary geology was kinda fun. So honestly, I was annoyed that an easy review of the rock cycle made me cry.

"I miss Greg and Allen and Peter and Joseph and Eric and Caro and Lore and..." I sobbed uncontrollably.

I was so unbalanced. 

I was drifting in some sort of a purgatory whilst I battled mightily to reclaim my life back in Hong Kong. A life - career, love, friendships, community, daily routine - that I had nurtured for almost seven years. But just as nothing can be done to control the movement of tectonic plates, there was nothing I could do at that moment, either, to change my situation. 

Nothing except wait. 

And it was killing me from the inside.

It's infinitely easier to understand (and accept) human suffering in terms of poverty and sickness and death. But emotional instability brought about by physical displacement is a bit harder to digest, especially since Hong Kong is a transient city and Filipinos are a transient people. I was angry and confused. Why couldn't I cope as well as I want to?

The fact that I had to do my waiting in the isolation of my house in Antipolo - hours and hours of frustrating debate with nobody except the voice in my head, questioning everything I am, everything I've done and everything I believe in - obliterated every bit of my self-confidence. Nobody wins that sort of debate. Yet, it repeats every day.

My spirit was wracked with the wreckage of a thousand earthquakes.

Chris simply held my hand for the remainder of the trip. When we got to our destination, he gently led me out of the van and into the nature trail around Bulusan Lake.

Somehow, the rippling of the water, the chirruping of crickets and the rustling of branches and leaves brought a measure of calm.

It was all so beautiful.

I inhaled large gulps of air that smelled of rain and dirt and wet leaves. I forced myself to release my troubles and live in the moment. 

I owed Bulusan than much. 

I owed Chris that much.

If rocks can - and do - go through a cycle, so also can I.

Tomorrow is another day.

// Bulusan Volcano National Park //

Bulusan Volcano National Park is a 3,673 hectares rain forest surrounding Mt. Bulusan. 

It is a wildlife sanctuary and a nature reserve.

Hope Springs Eternal

MATEO HOT & COLD SPRINGS

Soaking in hot spring water is relaxing, soothing and is believed to be medicinal. I wouldn't have known that, being that my only experience of a hot spring was in Taipei, and the redolent smell of sulfur reminded me so much of rotten eggs. 

Yet I have been feeling blue lately with very little clue as to what else I could do to feel better. I've tried chocolate, caffeine, all sorts of fried, fatty, calorrific and cholesterol-packed food... I did derive pleasure, of course, from feeding myself. But those were just momentary bursts of hallucination as an instant result of sugar and grease happily coursing through my arteries, therefore blocking any coherent signals to my brain. So I'd feel good for  hot minute, yes, but I'd soon get frustrated that the euphoric feeling was so short lived. And then I'd start feeling blue all over again.

So I was prepared to try anything, including dunking myself into a pool that reeks of rotten eggs. Who knows, maybe the hot spring has curative powers that can immediately dissolve my psychoses. It can't cost more than what a shrink would charge to listen to me whine, right? At the very most, I'd just have to spend on a new loofah and a good, strong bath gel. 

Water in the Mateo Hot & Cold Springs flows directly from the Bulusan Volcano. Surpisingly, the reservoirs are deviod of any sulfuric stench. 

I took a dip, slowly felt my muscles soften, and almost fell asleep. 

After a while, I felt no more pain.
 
Shit, I thought. This is better than Prozac.     

//     Monbon, Municipality of Irosin     //

Swimming with Whale Sharks

Bancas on the ready

VITTON? No, shit. Let's hope whale sharks are NOT turned into handbags here.

Our little group consisted of a boatman, a whale shark spotter, a "Butanding Interaction Officer" (or "BIO"), a brash American in his late 20s, two really young German girls, Chris and myself

Our mighty vessel

Looks like a "Butanding Interaction Armada" to me.

Our "spotter"

The next boat's spotter, who actually had a very... attractive derriere

Chris is happy

"Go! Go! Go!" Randy, our "Butanding Interaction Officer" (BIO) yelled, sending everyone on the boat jumping into the water immediately.

Everyone except me.

I was busy getting my fingers caught around the ribbons of my life vest. All the while, I was hoping that maybe - just maybe - I'd still manage to catch a glimpse of the butanding (whale shark) before it got spooked by a "feeding frenzy" of tourists jostling for position with flippers, elbows, fists, knees, teeth.

Sure enough, the butanding swam deeper into the water by the time I got my life vest secured. I stood on the banca in my bright orange flotation gear with matchy-matchy blue mask and flippers, all dressed up with nowhere to go.

Amidst the jubliant squeals of delight from other tourists, I felt like crying. Why can't I fucking move on from being "The Fat Kid"?

With steely conviction, I resolved to keep my gear on. I may look stupid but dammit, I'll be ready when that mythical butanding next decides to make an appearance.

Sure enough, it didn't take too long 'til we were again rattled by Randy's cries of "Go! Go! Go!"

I was the first on my boat to jump into the water. I focused my gaze down, squinting... and squinting... and squinting harder. The butanding was four metres beneath the surface. All I saw was an iffy shadow of what might have been a butanding feeding on the plankton-rich waters. Visibility was shit.

"False alarm," Chris cried. "It's just a guppy!"

I was pissed. I was mad and disappointed and livid at these so-called "gentle giants" for avoiding an encounter with me. I may be hyperactive and gay, but that doesn't automatically make me hungry for butanding pelt to craft into handbags. I'm all for sustainable eco-tourism! C'mon, whale sharks. Gimme a break here. One. One measly encounter - that's all I need.

The third time I heard Randy's "Go! Go! Go!" which had quickly become all too familiar, I simply made a nominal effort to join the fray of frenzied tourists flapping about to swim with the butanding.

That's when magic happened.

Because I was amongst the last to jump into the water, I happened to avoid the area of water occupied by a million other tourists. A few seconds after I jumped from my boat, the butanding appeared directly beneath me. It approached me steadily and with purpose. I felt as though an ancient school bus was about to steamroll me and I couldn't do anything except stay frozen to bear the full impact.

I saw the butanding from head to tail. It was about the length of four human beings. And it must have been swimming no deeper than three inches beneath me.

I was humbled and speechless and content.

I had just encountered Mother Nature in her full majesty.

It was a sight I will remember forever.

Yay, I swam with whale sharks!

Arrival in Bacon Beach

Sirangan stands proud a scant, few metres behind the sea wall

Sirangan Sunset

Suzie cooked this noble Lapu-lapu fish in ginger and leek sauce especially for Chris and myself. The fish was so large, it could have fed an entire village. Thanks, Suzie.

Chris did the sweetest thing by traveling to the Philippines to spend Chinese New Year with me. Our choices for a holiday destination had initially been Tagaytay or Anilao. But Chris being Chris, we ended up treading a far less beaten path, further down towards the southernmost coast of Luzon. 

We took a 45-minute plane ride (delayed half an hour for take-off) plus two hours on an ordinary bus (coasting 20km/hr at top speed, with about a thousand stops in between to let passengers and snack vendors on and off, no aircon) plus half an hour on a jeepney (with a young buck stroking a fighting cock in front of me) plus ten minutes on a tricycle (whose driver didn't know where "BAY-cuhn" Beach was, because of course it's pronounced "Bah-KOHN").

It would have been easy for me to fall into dramatic despair of the "Oh!-This-just-goes-to-show-how-disconnected-I've-become-from-my-own-country!" variety. But I'm surprised to say I quite enjoyed getting reacquianted with all the colourful modes of transport in the Philippines. I felt like I've been away for a 10,000 years.

We finally got to our destination at 5.30pm.

"So much for spending the afternoon on the beach," Chris teased with a twinkle in his eye, finally admitting that he had known all along from obscure travel sites that there were public utility vans servicing the Legazpi - Sorsogon route. A van could have taken us to Bacon in a fraction of the time. But Chris gave me the time and space to figure out the way. Around my own country. Throughout the journey, he wordlessly cradled his beloved Kindle with one hand and held my hand in his with the other. 

I was crushed by Chris's revelation. On top of feeling embarrassed and disconnected, I now also felt ignorant and stupid and spoiled.

"It's cocktail o'clock," Chris said, urging my depressed ass towards the bar. He ordered a couple of mojitos made with organic mint picked fresh from the resort's own garden. The bartender, Mark, is a strapping lad of 24 years who used to join male bikini contests in the region.

We sipped our mojitos whilst watching the horizon blend deep coppers and mauves and indigos over the Pacific.

Chris being Chris, he knew exactly just how to make me feel better. Instantly.

*

      

Sirangan is a 5-star luxury resort located on the eastern end (sirangan or silangan being vernacular equivalents for east) of Bacon Beach, Sorsogon. It is owned by a Spanish corporation that has seven other boutique properties in Barcelona, Madrid and Madagascar.

The Diva Video of the Day® - Evanescence / My Immortal

//

When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears

When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears

//

Lake Bulusan
24 January 2012

The Diva Video of the Day® - Telepopmusik / Breathe

//

Another day,

just believe.

Another day,

just breathe.

//

Sirangan, Sorsogon