The Ten Commandments of South Bay Beach

Hello, Friends!

South Bay Beach is so snobbish, honestly. Sure, there's plenty of sun, sand, and surf. But moreso, there's plenty of sightseeing - behind designer sunglasses, natch, because openly ogling any muscle Mary is, like, sooo ghetto.

NOT!

There's zero subtlety on South Bay Beach. This is gay Hong Kong's summer daytime mecca, and it shows. Boys work out all year just to be able to strut their stuff along a short stretch of sand whilst wearing eye-poppingly tiny swimwear.

I was at South Bay Beach last weekend not to ogle boys (honestly) but to try and recruit a few to join a little, yearly competition called Mr Gay Hong Kong.

In between recruitment of course - and there was plenty of time, because we were at the beach for 7 glorious hours - my friends and I couldn't help but discuss, dispute and dissect the reasons-for-being of those who are woefully uninitiated or hopelessly clueless. I mean, seriously?? This is South Bay Beach, not Sunday School! Innocence - or worse, naivete - has no place here! Get your act together, sister, you've had a whole year to get ready!

So, since I've started going down the Mother Teresa route, let me thus complete my hyperactive gay sermon by presenting...

The 10 Commandments of South Bay Beach

1st Commandment I AM THE LORD THY GOD.
Thou shalt follow my bidding and be recuited as a candidate of Mr Gay Hong Kong 2011. I mean, admit it. If you're on South Bay Beach, you must enjoy parading yourself in public. So, let's validate it. Fill up an Entry Form now!

2nd Commandment THOU SHALT NOT TAKE THE NAME OF THE LORD THY GOD IN VAIN. Thou art, however, allowed to be vain. I mean, duh! You've worked for it all year, shedding blood, sweat and tears in the gym. You've painfully deprived yourself of carbs for far too long, and dammit, now is your moment to shine. WERQ!

3rd Commandment REMEMBER THOU KEEP HOLY THE SABBATH DAY.
Pray before each meal, especially if you don't know anything about its provenance! Hello, don't be stupid! What, were you born yesterday? Pray, and play safe. A-men.

4th Commandment HONOR THY FATHER AND MOTHER.
Duh, that's, like, common sense. Why would you bite the hand that first brought you here, back when you were a South Bay Beach virgin? Ever remember a day when you were a virgin at anything, anywhere, at all? Thank mom and dad; they taught you well.

5th Commandment THOU SHALT NOT KILL.
OK, you so want to strangle that bitch who jumped the painfully long n' slow lunch queue at the South Bay Beach Club, but please, restrain yourself. Just casually "spill" a glass of red wine on his 'spensive, white Armani swimming trunks and let's call it even. The holy Bible has a term for that... An eye for an eye.

6th Commandment THOU SHALT NOT COMMIT ADULTERY.
If you absolutely must, for heaven's sake, be discreet. Although this is indeed South Bay Beach and certain liberties are allowed, this is most certainly not where you hang your marital laundry for all and sundry to see. Appearances must absolutely be kept, dintcha know. Go take your trick into one of the cubicles at the Public Toilet, instead, where the children can't see.

7th Commandment THOU SHALT NOT STEAL.
OK, when a friend claims "Dibs!" on a hottie, remember to respect. Again - this is South Bay Beach. There's plenty of the proverbial fish, even in Hong Kong's toxic sea. This is where and when they all come out. And when they all come out, hope for a miraculous multiplication of loaves, as well, because darling, you're gonna want to eat. Feast away. No fighting.

8th Commandment THOU SHALT NOT BEAR FALSE WITNESS AGAINST THY NEIGHBOR. Don't lie. Lying is, like, so 6th grade. If someone tries to pick you up and you don't like him / her / it, just be nice and say so. "Sorry, I think you're fug. Giggle!" In the same manner, don't give your best friend hope that the studmuffin two beach towels away was checking him out when in truth, the stud was merely preening. Don't lead anybody on; don't waste people's time. Besides, at South Bay Beach, one man's trash is another man's treasure.

9th Commandment THOU SHALT NOT COVET THY NEIGHBOR'S WIFE.
Eew! In the first place, why would you?! In case you find that you do, take a dip in the water to help clear your head. You've maybe gone all hetero or bi from too much damn Corona - and that's okay - but at least make sure first before dropping a bomb on South Bay Beach.

10th Commandment THOU SHALT NOT COVET THY NEIGHBOR'S GOODS.
You want his Dolce sunglasses, you want his Hugo Boss beach towel, you want his Versace sandals, you want his boyfriend, you want his body, you want his life. Jeez, if you're gonna go all klepto on somebody else's life on South Bay Beach, get the hell out of here, stat! There's no quicker way to ruin your rep than make a total fool out of yourself, with all of gay Hong Kong as witness, here at - all together, now - South Bay Beach!


Thank goodness we're homosexuals. We like fluidity; we rarely do anything permanently.

These commandments were not written on stone tablets by a lightning strike from up above. They are simply written on the sand, to be washed away in matter of hours, when the tide comes in.

Enjoy what remains of summer!

With Affection,
James

Beach sign-up for Mr Gay Hong Kong

Chris & James. Chris' abs = illegal.

Andrew & James

James & Julio

The Gang

South Bay Beach is so pretty, honestly.

Photos by Johan Karsoho