He's an Ugly Gwai Tsai

Hello, Friends!

There’s this asshole who keeps raping my Facebook Wall. I don’t remember any more how he became my “friend,” but I suppose that’s what happens when, like me, you’re an eager-to-please homo who doesn’t want to offend anyone. So, you just keep approving all friend requests - never mind if they’ve got a bug-eyed goldfish as their profile pic.

So, back to this guy. I’d like to say I hate him, I detest him, I abhor him to death. But truth is – and I know I’m gonna sound like a pussy – I’m hurt. I’m one of the nicest people I know. Having enemies suck. Fuck, I work too hard to become everybody’s friend. So when this ugly gwai tsai (ugly white boy or UGT for short) with awful bleached blonde hair attacks me on my own Facebook Wall, I just let it happen…? Sometimes I wonder whether I should just block him and delete him from the face of my virtual life.

I wake up one morning and, as I do daily, I immediately check my blog stats. I’m ecstatic to find out that I’ve suddenly got a reader in Bhutan, so I share my excitement on Facebook.

James: I’ve got a reader in Bhutan? Wonders never cease :)
UGT: They must have Googled “gay twat” and your name came up.

OK, I was seriously disturbed. So I Googled “gay twat” and was relieved that Justin Bieber came up, not me.

I don’t have any problem being a gay twat. I think gays are fabulous, and twats, even more so. Taken together, now, that’s a juicy proposition. But the idea that someone would openly attack me is beyond my comprehension.

The other day, I was feeling especially stressed that I couldn’t seem to finish any single task (one among which was writing this month’s column). I found respite in doing the dishes because, at least, something can happen straight away.

James: I like doing the pots n’ pans coz I get immediate results. I don’t need to wait forever for something to be “finished.”
UGT: In the kitchen… that’s where you belong.

WTF?

It’s not that I’ve got a victim mentality and I enjoy feeling sorry for myself- No. I haven’t deleted UGT from my Facebook because he makes me ask one important question, daily: Have I become so humourless that I can’t take potshots directed at me?

So, no. UGT will never become a real friend of mine. But in his own way, he has initiated with me some sort of a twisted friendship. The day I take myself too seriously is the day I should just call it quits.

Of course that doesn’t mean that I don’t feel a compelling urge to cast him away in a solitary cockpit, on the way to a crash landing, whenever he takes a jab at me. He is an asshole. Proper. And he’s very ugly, too.

But he’s an asshole who keeps me in touch with my inner asshole. He makes me feel anger, confusion, hatred and frustration – but only in the first two hours of his potshot. And then, he just makes me laugh.

What a sorry-ass loser.

With Affection,
James