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Thursday, 20 December 2012

DOOMSDAY


The world is supposed to end tomorrow.

Doomsday sounds kinda exciting, we have to admit – even if it means none of us may be alive to read this. Having to contemplate the end of the world means we get to think about things we'd like to be doing during the Apocalypse, whilst the world is disintegrating faster than a sugar daddy's bank account.

So here's Hyperactive's Top 5 Rundown of Things To Do During Doomsday:

  1. Have sex (with your husband, your fleshlight, yourself) first thing in the morning. Loud, passionate, unbridled sex. To hell with the neighbours. We're all dying, anyway, so might as well have an orgasm whilst Doomsday is happening. We can't think of a better way to go than to die mid-moan.

    And if the world hasn't yet been destroyed by earth-shakingly furious fucking...

  2. Have a big breakfast. You've just made gay porn; now, enjoy some food porn. Bacon. Eggs. Beans. Pork buns. Spicy noodles. Sausages. Smoked salmon. Cheese. Lots of cheese. Eat everything in the fridge, the cupboard, the fruit basket. Then wash it all down with good, strong coffee.

    Is the world still intact? That sucks, coz now you have to head over to the office and pretend to work. But isn't the world about to end, anyway? You should then...

  3. Delete EVERYTHING in your Inbox. To hell with those tasks that you have to bear like a spare tire in a gym full of Muscle Mary's! Laugh whilst gleefully hitting the DELETE button over and over again, until you've annihilated each of the 1,748 e-mails that are still waiting for some sort of response or action. The world is ending!! Grab a gong and dance like a heathen around the office.

    If, after lunch break, your server is still humming perfectly (how supremely irritating!) as though impervious to the threat of the Apocalypse...

  4. Hit the fire alarm. Turn on all the faucets in all the toilets, on all the floors. Cause a flood. Then, proceed to evacuate your colleagues to the nearest bar. The fire department will come, the cops will come, the building management will have loads to answer for, there'll be shit to pay. But you won't be there because it's the end of the world and you're smart enough to not be stuck in the office, so...

  5. Walk calmly towards Psychic Jack for the usual Friday happy hour drinks. If the world does end, at least you'll be enjoying cheap drinks and some complimentary fried canapés. No use blowing a lot of cash. Save it for the afterlife – whatever that might be. Whatsapp all your friends with a bye-bye message, grab the hand of the one you love most, and express your love in the simplest, most honest way you know:

    With a kiss.


CHRIS ADAMS AND JAMES GANNABAN







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