Taipei is Whack

Hello, Friends!

My Taipei trip was whack for three reasons:

1. I had just turned vegetarian and was clueless about how to find veggie eats in a foreign city;

2. It was raining all the time, so the city was wet n' wild;

3. The trip was just too darn short.

Arrival in Taipei

I arrived in Taipei at almost midnight on a Saturday; I checked out of my hotel at 4am on Monday. All I had time for, really, was my friends' Emily and Marc's wedding, plus a cursory wander around the neighbourhood where my hotel (the quirky San Want Taipei). The neighbourhood was so swish, honestly; right across was super-club Luxy.

Shit, the San Want has a Hyperactive boy in the lobby?

"Where can I get something to eat?" I asked my receptionist.

"There's a Hong Kong-style barbecue restaurant just 50 metres down the road," he replied helpfully. "Or you can go to McDonald's."

"Great," I replied cheerfully. "I'm from Hong Kong. Of course I want to eat more Hong Kong food."

I got over my self-pity, though; I was becoming truly hungry, it was calamitous. This whole vegetarian thing is whack, too, because honestly I get hungry every two hours!

Veggie Chow Mein

The wedding reception was at the super-glam Grand Ballroom of the super-awesome Grand Hyatt, natch, and it was truly snobbish because hey, the bride went through three super-dramatic frocks! No better time to trick out on couture, right?

Grand Hyatt Taipei

Marc & Emily

So it was a meat-fest and honestly I did my best to resist, but the tenderloin looked like this:

A slab of cow

It was as thick as a Bible, and as bloody as a story of pestilence from the Old Testament. It was so good, I wept.

I had the good fortune to have been assigned to the coolest table which included a chic French couple from Saigon, a crazy English teacher named Jenny, the beautiful Irene, Sasha and his sexy Taiwanese paramour, the execs from the Grand Hyatt, and Stan - he was the craziest of all. Stan was once-upon-a-time a shareholder at Luxy. We talked about his wild party days in London and Ibiza and even Taipei, before he met his lovely wife Ariel, who is my new thinspiration. She's so hot.

OK, so the savoury dishes were nice, but the desserts were totally obscene. There were five desserts all in all, and I swear I got fat just looking at them.

"A moment on the lips, forever on the hips," Irene warned.

Strawberry cheesecake

A "jewelry box" of sugar

Ice cream with butter cookie "wings"

I didn't fucking care.

I was tired and hungry, and I needed a rush.

I jumped in, practically inhaling the sugar off of the table. My new friends could only look on, visibly impressed. Hah. Darned Catholic guilt was again washing all over me but that was forgotten as soon as sugar started coursing through my central nervous system.

Shit, you think I slept after that, especially since my flight back to Hong Kong was at dawn?


With Affection,
James



San Want Residences Taipei
(A) No.172, Section 4, Chung Hsiao East Road, Taipei 106, Taiwan
(W) www.swresidences.com



Grand Hyatt Taipei
(A) 2, Song Shou Road, Taipei, Taiwan 1105
(W) http://taipei.grand.hyatt.com

Taipei Boys

Hello, Friends!

"Are they mannequins?" I wondered aloud.

"Dunno..." Chris squinted. "Oops, that one moved. Nope, they're real."

"Fuck, Taipei boys are so hot," I marveled. Chris and I were staring at the two bayoneted sentries guarding Uncle Chiang's statue. They boys were so perfect - the uniform, the posture, the skin, everything.

"They must be wearing make-up," I sniffed, whilst Chris happily snapped away at the skirted statue of Taiwan's erstwhile dictator.  

Apart from shockingly beautiful boys, Taiwan has many hidden pleasures. Dead dictators and gaudy temples are at the bottom of the pile.

On our final day in Taipei, we found G'Day Cafe, a homey, little joint decked in murals, plaid table cloth, and old-skool Coca-cola memorabilia. It's the best breakfast. Ever. With the most obscene hash browns we've ever seen.

We also stumbled into the collegiate 'burbs, just off NTU. The cafes, little designer boutiques and bookshops in that neighbourhood alone would have satisfied a week's worth of exploration. There was a Belgian pub that lists more than 100 kinds of beers, one among which is Chimay - Pinoy slang for "helper." Of course I ordered it. Chris did, too. He had the stout; I had the lager. We had three each. By the end of the afternoon, we had a beautiful Chimay buzz.

The evening saw even more drinking at Cafe Dalida, where we caught up with my friend, Andre. Andre regaled us with tales of his mum on an elephant trek in Thailand whilst we sipped cocktails on the courtyard of the Red House.

At closer to midnight, Chris and I attacked the Shilin Night Market - the largest in the city. Shilin is so mind boggling, it spanks Chatuchak's ass.

We gorged on fabulous hawker food.

And the prospect of more energizing weekends in Taipei.


With Affection,
James

Camp Taipei

Hello, Friends!

"Flamboyant. No, exuberant. Yes, that's a better word for it. Or just plain camp.

Chris wasn't describing the Flora Expo, which looked like psychedelic vomit. Neither was he attempting to encapsulate Walasse Ting's exhibition of masturbating women, which delighted everyone - including parents and very young children. We were surrounded by Gauguin's Synthetist canvasses and Symbolist woodcuts, but even those didn't earn the reverence reserved for "camp."

Chris was describing Taipei's Longshan Temple, which, during Chinese New Year, is festooned with more bling than any gangsta's wet dream. Longshan Temple is so pimp, it kicks Vegas' ass. Lanterns, candles, sequins, fire, fireworks - the works. Plus, the dancing fountains and the reptilian charms of Huaxi Street Night Market are in the temple's immediate vicinity, so what more could a gay boy ask for.

After two days of walking up and down mountains, I was ready for some city touring.

I wouldn't quite call Taipei beautiful, although it certainly isn't ugly. It has a mega-city vibe minus the feeling of claustrophobia one gets in Hong Kong. Some districts are seriously rundown, but some other districts have been spruced up so much, the lights practically claw at your eyeballs. Ximending is Ginza on crack.

Taipei is pleasant. It's easy. The metro is reliable, cabs are cheap and cabbies are polite, the people are chill. Plus, food is bountiful and cheap. Our first city meal was in Taipei 101's food court. I had a bowl of rice with minced meat, noodle soup, steamed cabbages and spicy tofu - all for NTD140 (about USD5). For a pimp meal in a pimp location, the deal smokes Colonel Sanders' ass.

Plus, there was this mega-lottery for a mega-pot of over NTD1billion. Taipei is mega-ambitious. Everything is superlative.

By the end of the day, Chris and I were so exhausted, we didn't even find any humour in The Green Hornet.

"I'm more fit than you are," Chris observed, "but you need less time to recover." 

We ducked into a massage parlour and signed up for the most badass reflexology massage ever. The ladies were so sadistic, I wanted to take them home. Our cries of pleasure slash pain were somewhat eased only by fine tea and a sweaty Rain performing on two flat screens. And then my lady started channel surfing, finally stopping at a replay of the VMAs, whilst Lady Gaga collected a Moonwalker for Bad Romance.

The parlour erupts in song.



With Affection,
James