Kevin Costner should be penalized for giving us the monstrosity that was Waterworld, honestly.
But since we're still on a Whitney lovefest, we'll give dear, old Kevin a pass and pay tribute to him, instead, for the Hollywood beefcake he once was.
In all fairness, he really was a bona fide hottie. No wonder dear, old Whit couldn't help but sing, "I wanna run to yoooooooooou...." etc.
“I let her down. I should have been there, and I wasn't. And now for the rest of my life I will have to live with that pain. I saved her then, I should have saved her now. She was my one true love. I still have I Will Always Love You as my ringtone, and I count it a badge of honour every time I get mocked for it."
Hundreds of mourners, among them Tyler Perry, Mary J. Blige, Kevin Costner, Clive Davis, Dionne Warwick, Alicia Keys and Newark mayor Cory Booker attended the private funeral, which started shortly after noon.
Houston's ex-husband, Bobby Brown, who vowed to be there in support of their 18-year-old daughter, Bobbi Kristina, arrived at the church but left shortly thereafter. Brown was spotted being consoled by fellow mourners before leaving. Although there were reports that Brown was not permitted inside the building, Brown subsequently released a statement saying that he and his children had been asked to change seats several times and that he was prevented from seeing Bobbi Kristina, and thus "departed as I refused to create a scene."
Yesterday I started writing a eulogy to Whitney Houston. I was surprised that her death affected me as much as it did. I hadn't even met her, never got a chance to press her flesh. Anyhow, my first draft of my eulogy for Whitney got too dolorous and cliche and silly when all I wanted to say, really, was "R.E.S.P.E.C.T!" to Whitney Houston for having accomplished superhuman feats of vocal virtuosity. And along the way, she gave us brilliant flashes of inspiration. Every kid still wants to sing "I Will Always Love You" in every TV singing contest. Every drag queen still wants to be some sort of incarnation of Whitney in "The Bodyguard," with Kevin Costner on the side.
Whitney's death was as nebulous as you'd expect a music legend's to be. She was alone, at The Beverly Hilton, mere hours before she was scheduled to appear at a pre-Grammy gala. The timing couldn't have been better if it were staged.
The only buzzkill (pun not intended) was the pesky persistence and utter predictability of substance abuse or overdose, prescription or otherwise. She has been against her substance-related issues publicly for a while now, so unless there's a new spin, there's no story.
If we're going down the road of speculation, can we not show more respect by being more creative, at least? Why not speculate something wildly audacious, instead? Something that would honour Whitney's cockiness and fire and sex appeal. Rehashing a stale and drawn-out story on maybe or maybe not substance abuse has zero narrative value as a possible ending to the story of Whitney's life. Strike the idea. Whitney was the Queen of the Charts, the Queen of High Notes, the Queen of the Night, The Queen of the Nile, The Queen of an Oscar Winning Theme Song, the Queen of my fucking village. Nobody becomes a bona fide Diva until the homosexuals proclaim her so. And Whitney, who was every inch a Drama Queen, had tons of cred with the gays.
And so, to express my personal sense of loss for someone who was a musical treasure of humanity, in general, I'm presenting an entire week's worth of Whitney Diva Videos.
Astron's Top 5 Rundown™
of Favourite Whitney Houston Live Performances
05 WHEN YOU BELIEVE / 1999 ACADEMY AWARDS
WHITNEY HOUSTON AS MUSIC LEGEND.
SHE WAS A QUEEN OF POP, QUEEN OF THE CHARTS, QUEEN OF THE NIGHT, QUEEN OF THE NILE, QUEEN OF AN OSCAR WINNING THEME SONG, QUEEN OF EVERYTHING.
THE WHITNEY HOUSTON - MARIAH CAREY DUET WAS A MUSICAL COUP, THE LIKES OF WHICH REMAIN UNMATCHED. IT WAS WIDELY ANTICIPATED TO BE A BATTLE BETWEEN THE BEST BELTERS IN THE BUSINESS. I HONESTLY DREADED IT 'COZ I FEARED THE VERY LIKELY POSSIBILITY THAT THE SONG WOULD BECOME NOTHING BUT A RACE TO MAKE THE MOST COMPLEX RUNS AND A FIGHT TO HIT THE HIGHEST NOTES.
WHITNEY'S VOCAL POWER HAD PERCEPTIVELY ERODED FROM YEARS OF MORE-THAN-AVERAGE WEAR AND TEAR. YET, EVEN IN THE LATER STAGES OF HER CAREER, SHE DELIVERED A CONFIDENTLY EXPRESSIVE PERFORMANCE THAT MATCHED - IF NOT EXCEEDED - MARIAH CAREY'S. IT WAS A DELIGHT TO SEE WHITNEY PLAY UP HER ROLE AS "MUSIC LEGEND" RATHER THAN SLUG IT OUT AGAINST MARIAH IN A TACKY SCREAM-FEST THAT NOBODY WOULD WANT TO LISTEN TO.
PROPS TO BOTH LADIES FOR HAVING KEPT THEIR CRED INTACT AND EMERGING ALL THE BETTER FROM THE SHARED EXPERIENCE.
THIS CEMENTED WHITNEY'S PLACE IN HISTORY AS THE BENCHMARK FOR EVERYONE ELSE WHO SINGS, IN GENERAL.
04 ALL THE MAN THAT I NEED / 1991
WHITNEY HOUSTON AS A SUPERSTAR.
THIS IS CLASSIC WHITNEY, AS I'D LIKE TO REMEMBER HER: EXPRESSIVE, CHARISMATIC, GENEROUS, SUBLIME, AND IN PERFECT CONTROL OF THE MOMENT.
WHITNEY UNDERSTOOD HER RESPONSIBILITY TO HER FANS PERFECTLY: SHE SHAMELESSLY FED OFF OF THEIR ADORATION; THEY GREEDILY FED OFF OF THE LIGHT OF HER SUPERSTARDOM.
03 I HAVE NOTHING / 1994 SOUTH AFRICA
WHITNEY HOUSTON AS A DIVA
(WITH ALL THE ESTEEM AND BAGGAGE THAT THE TITLE BEARS).
COCKY. DANGEROUS. SLURRING HER WORDS AND GLIDING IN HEAD-TO-TOE GOLD LIKE A (FABULOUS) DRUNK ACROSS THE STAGE. IN REALITY, SHE WAS WOBBLING ACROSS A HIGH-WIRE ACT THAT COULD HAVE EITHER REINFORCED HER GENIUS OR HERALDED HER SPECTACULAR FALL FROM GRACE.
THIS WAS AUDACITY ON THE PRECIPICE OF INSANITY.
SHE WAS LUCKY TO HAVE HAD ENOUGH PRESENCE OF MIND TO AT LEAST FINISH THE NUMBER.
02 SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU / 1985 THE DAVID LETTERMAN SHOW
WHITNEY HOUSTON AS A PRODUCT.
WHITNEY HAD AN INSTANT EMOTIONAL CONNECTION WITH HER AUDIENCES, WHICH SHE PARLAYED INTO YEARS OF LOYAL FOLLOWING. SHE WAS SEXY AND YOUNG AND BEAUTIFUL. SHE WAS KIND OF IN WITH THE COOL CROWD, TOO, BECAUSE SHE WAS SO INSANELY TALENTED, IT WAS NUTS.
SHE DIDN'T HAVE ANY COMPETITION.
SHE WAS KNOWN AS THE "BLACK BARBIE" - A MASS-MARKET PRODUCT WITH PERFECT DESIGN, PACKAGING, PRICE, DISTRIBUTION, AUXILIARY REVENUE STREAMS. SHE WAS "SAVING ALL MY LOVE" IN EVERY LIVING ROOM IN AMERICA.
SHE WAS MARKETING MAGIC.
(PARIS HILTON'S OTHERWISE COMPETENT MARKETING STRATEGISTS ASSUMED THAT THEY COULD EASILY TAKE PARIS ON A SIMILAR ROUTE. THEY PACKAGED THE HEIRESS AS SOME KIND OF A "PRINCESS DIANA SLASH MARILYN MONROE OF THE NEW MILLENNIUM" - A GOLDEN GIRL OF THE MASSES. EXCEPT EVERYONE KNEW THAT PARIS WASN'T B ANY STRETCH A COMMONER; SHE BELONGS TO A DEEPLY ENTRENCHED AMERICAN ARISTOCRACY THAT COUNTS THE VANDERBILTS AND THE KENNEDYS AND THE HILTONS. WHAT KIND OF A BIG, FAT AND GROSS LEAP OF IMAGINATION DID THEY EXPECT THE PUBLIC TO TAKE? PEOPLE ARE SMART ENOUGH TO SNIFF A FISHY GIMMICK. THE CAMPAIGN BOMBED BECAUSE PARIS HILTON DOESN'T POSSESS ANY OF THE INTRINSIC VALUES THAT WERE KEY TO MARILYN MONROE'S AND PRINCESS DI'S MAGIC. SHE REFLECTS NOTHING OF THE BELOVED CLASSICS - CERTAINLY, SHE DOESN'T HAVE ANYTHING NEW TO OFFER, EITHER - THAT'S WORTH AN UPDATE. SHE SHOULD FOCUS ON SELLING HER PERFUMES AND REAL ESTATE. THERE, HER FAMILY NAME HAS INTRINSIC BRAND VALUE. I DIGRESS. SORRY ABOUT THE LONG FOOTNOTE.)
01 ONE MOMENT IN TIME / 1989 THE 31ST GRAMMY AWARDS
WHITNEY AS A GODDESS.
THEME SONG OF THE 1988 SUMMER OLYMPICS, "ONE MOMENT IN TIME" WAS WHITNEY'S DEFINITIVE POWER BALLAD. IT WAS HAD A TRIED AND TESTED FORMULA OF SOARING, SEARING AND SAPPY DISTINCTLY "INSPIRATIONAL" FEEL TO EXPRESS THE TRIUMPH OF HUMANITY OVER ADVERSARY. ITS ORCHESTRAL SWEEPS, BIG-SONG MELODY AND A GINORMOUS KEY CHANGE TOWARD THE END SHAMELESSLY SOLICIT A STANDING OVATION.
WHITNEY MADE IT WORK. SHE SURE SOLD IT LIKE IT WAS NOBODY'S BUSINESS. IT WAS HER 10TH TOP 10 HIT ON THE BILLBOARD HOT 100. IT WON AN EMMY AWARD, BUT ULTIMATELY, WHITNEY LOST THE FEMALE POP VOCALS GRAMMY AWARD TO TRACY CHAPMAN'S "FAST CARS."
WHITNEY, CLAD IN ALL THE TRAPPINGS OF OLYMPIC GLORY, WAS AND ALWAYS WILL BE A BEAUTIFULLY MORTAL GODDESS.
//
WE COULDN'T RIGHTLY EXPECT DEAR, OLD WHIT TO LIVE OUT OUR DRAMATIC FANTASIES FOR AS LONG AS WE WANT. EVEN CHER HAS HAD ENOUGH OF HER OWN DRAMA, SHE'S MOVED ON TO CHAZ'S, INSTEAD.
WHITNEY HOUSTON HAS DONE HER FAIR BIT, AND THEN SOME. SHE WAS A HOT, SWEATY MESS TIL THE END OF HER DAYS. SHE WAS A *PROPER* DIVA - NOT JUST FOR THE DAY BUT FOR THE REST OF TIME, NATCH.
The news of Amy Winehouse's death was the single spot of darkness throughout my weeklong birthday celebration.
Sure, Amy was a drunk and a druggie. Sure, she was a hot mess whose time on God's green Earth was obviously limited. Sure, she was beyond saving.
But with her outrageous beehive that reportedly kept many "delights," her lay-it-all-onstage philosophy that revealed all traces of her experiences in her voice, and the sheer power of her unique talent, she was an unarguable musical genius of my generation. And no matter how messy she got, she always - whenever she humanly could - sang live.
Like Amy, I also love the blues. I, too, am a hot mess. I've had a beehive, too, honestly:
Well, it was Fabiola, really, but you get the picture.
Yup, Amy. You and I have had our ugly moments...
Only difference between Amy Winehouse and myself is, I've gone on to channel my hot-mess-ness to hyperactivity. Amy has gone on to the grave.
I was seriously distraught when news of Amy's death greeted me first thing on my actual birthday. Just prior to her death, people had all but dismissed her as a has-been. It's a small triump to see that Amy's records are doing so well once again.
Isn't it a pity that, often, we only realize the true value of something once it's been taken away?
Astron's Top 5 Rundown™ Best of Amy Winehouse:
05 Teach Me Tonight
Saucy, sassy, sexy. Love Amy's slight sneer.
04 Rehab
Classic Amy. Defiant, with that sultry, little dress and blood-red lip.
03 Someone to Watch Over Me
She's my soulmate here. Smooth, expressive, sublime.
