RAFAEL NADAL'S LEGS, ANYONE? ANYONE?

THERE'S A TENNIS BALL IN RAFA'S POCKET,
AND THEN THERE'S LITTLE RAFA IN RAFA'S SHORTS.

WHAT A CUTIE!

 

// WASN'T LOOKING AT HIS LEGS...

NO, NOT REALLY.

WERE YOU? //

AND BECAUSE WE HAVEN'T HAD TENNIS BALLS IN A WHILE...

HERE'S A PLAYFUL 

RAFAEL NADAL -

WET, WILD N' 

GOLDEN.

 

 // VIVA, 

ESPAÑA! //

THANK GOD, IT'S ANDY.

...AND HE'S GOT A TENNIS BALL IN HIS SHORTS, TOO!
WHAT A TREAT!

Photo // Wikipedia

Three weeks ago, we predicted that Novak Djokovic would have a cakewalk to the 2013 Wimbledon finals. We were right. Almost. We didn't see Juan Martin del Potro coming. We should've. After all, Delpo is the only player other than Roger Federer, Rafael Nadal, Novak Djokovic and Andy Murray to have won a Grand Slam title since 2006. In 2009, Delpo deposed of both the Fed and Rafa - the only man to have done so in the same tournament - en route to capturing the 2009 US Open crown.

Delpo was in fine form at Wimbledon, never once dropping a set on his way to the semifinals. There, a well-rested Djoko was waiting, and was likely expecting an easy victory. After all didn't Delpo slip badly during the fifth point of his quarterfinal match against David Ferrer? Didn't it aggravate an old injury and, by Delpo's own admission, almost push him to forfeit the match?

This was the beginning of the end for The Djoker.

World-class tennis players are warriors to the core. Tennis is a solitary sport that requires its players to be better than themselves, first and foremost. Apart from demanding superhuman speed, stamina, strength and agility, tennis also requires hard discipline and an unflappable sense that you can - you must, and you will - get the job done because nobody else will do it for you.

Ever wonder why some of the game's best players take forever to serve? They're giving themselves pep talks! This is all the more important in a sport that needs not only innate passion and skill, but also strategy, patience, maturity, will power, and an extraordinary tolerance for pain, in order to win. Otherwise, how else does one survive a match that can possibly stretch up to 11 hours and 5 minutes, over 3 days of play (the Isner-Mahut match at the 2010 Wimbledon Championshiops)?

Roger Federer is famous for his balletic elegance and clinical precision - Bolshoi Tennis, I like to call it. No other player has made tennis look easy, except Novak Djokovic. Djoker's gymnastic flexibility and unbelievable courage in converting impossible shots into winners has made him tennis' ultimate showman. His uncanny ability and chutzpah to impersonate the best players on the ATP - including the women - are legendary. Djoker makes tennis look easy and fun! Oh, before we forget, Djoker also happens to occupy the top spot on the ATP rankings.

You understand better, then, where Djoker's stunning cockiness comes from. He's at the top of the sport that creates the biggest celebrities out of individual athletes.

The 2013 Wimbledon title looked like a bird in The Djoker's hand, with the top half of the draw packed shoulder-to-shoulder with champions: The Fed, Rafa, Murray. Meanwhile, David Ferrer, fresh from a runner-up finish at Roland Garros, looked like the biggest threat on Djoker's side of the draw. But Delpo took care of Ferrer, who was defeated by Rafa at the French Open finals, anyway. And didn't Rafa just say bye-bye after a shocking first round loss to some guy called Steve Darcis? Victory for Djoker is in the bag, baby!

But Delpo's dominance over Ferrer should have raised red flags for Djoker. In a stunning display of mind-over-matter, Delpo shoved a crippling injury aside to book a semifinal against Djoker.

Not facing the sport's top players on his side of the draw exposed Djoker to a handicap he clearly hadn't counted on. The closer he got to the finals, the rustier he got. This was evident when Delpo wore him out in a five-set thriller, lasting 4 hours and 43 minutes. It now holds the record as the longest semifinal in Wimbledon history. Although Delpo lost, he exited the All England Club as a text book example of a true tennis warrior.

In all likelihood, Djoker was completely prepared to face Andy Murray in the finals. But going into it, Djoker couldn't have known just how shell-shocked he'd still be from Delpo's assualt. Or that his 11-7 head-to-head advantage over Murray wouldn't have much merit when Murray had non-quantifiables (home crowd support, momentum from having won the Aegon Championships at Queen's Club just weeks ago, the spirit of Fred Perry himself!) working to his advantage.

As easily as Djoker converted impossible shots into winners, his 2013 Wimbledon aces comically transformed into (what else?!) jokers.

Murray became the first British man in 77 years to claim the title at the All England Club.

"I still can't imagine a luxe sports wear brand called Andy Murray. Doesn't have the same nice ring to it that Fred Perry does," a friend of mine - an Englishman - sniffed.

"I guess he could go the enigmatic route," I mused, "and simply call his line Ostrich."

Doesn't really matter what name Andy's branded merchandise ends up with. At least, not anymore. He has ended the British drought, effectively securing his legacy in sports history.

Look who's laughing now.

DJOKER, WINTER IS COMING!

THE 2013 WIMBLEDON DRAW

"HALLELUJAH!
MY TENNIS BALLS CRUISE ON EASY STREET!"

Photo by Glyn Kirk // AFP 

The 2013 Wimbledon Draws have been announced and Novak Djokovic must be thanking his lucky stars.

Roger Federer, Rafael Nadal and Andy Murray battle each other at the top half of the draw. Federer (third seed) insists he's on course to win a record 8th Wimbledon title - 10 years after he won his first! - though you'd have to wonder whether such pronouncements are borne of hubris or of tomfoolery. I'm inclined to believe the latter. After all, time isn't exactly on Federer's (b. 1981) side. He's proper Jurassic.

Nadal (fifth seed), though still working his way back from injury as reflected on his current ranking, is fresh off of victory at Roland Garros just a few weeks ago. Murray (third seed) is the home favourite, of course, and has practically wrapped up the 2013 Queen's Club title mere hours ago.

Meanwhile, Nole (first seed) seems to have it easy on the way to the finals.

Or so he thinks.

He's likely to face French Open finalist David Ferrer (fourth seed) and quiet assassin Tomas Berdych (seventh seed) before his all-but-assured cakewalk to the All England Club finals.

What results would YOU predict??

Sound off, bitchiz!





  

 

   

BERDYCH'S BALLS

BALL, BALLS, BALLS
EVERYWHERE!

Although he has yet to win a Grand Slam, Tomas Berdych (ranked world #6, just under Rafael Nadal) is probably the most dangerous player on the ATP today. He disposed of Roger Federer in the quarterfinals and of Novak Djokovic in the semifinals en route to the 2010 Wimbledon Championships, before succumbing to eventual champ, Rafael Nadal, in straight sets.

He also reached the semifinals of the 2010 French Open, defeating fourth seed Andy Murray in the fourth round; and the 2012 US Open where he defeated World No. 1 Roger Federer again at the quarterfinal stage, before losing to eventual champ Andy Murray (sweet revenge!) in the semifinals.

Berdych is only the second player (after David Nalbandian) to defeat Roger Federer multiple times in Grand Slam events before the semifinal stage.

And as if his proficiency on every surface weren't enough, he's also a doubles threat. He played the longest ATP doubles match ever (with Lukas Rosol) defeating Marco Chiudinelli and Stanislas Wawrinka in the first round of the 2013 Davis Cup. It lasted 7 hours, 2 minutes. You bitchiz out of breath yet?? Coz Berdych's clearly got Sta.Mi.Na!

Last January, Berdych signed on to be a spokesperson for Swedish fast-fashion powerhouse, H&M, and to co-design the brand's tennis wear. He debuted his clothing line at the 2013 Miami Masters.

Looks like Berdych is now reaching beyond his sport to be a threat to another athletic fashionista:

David Beckham.

VERDASCO: DEFEATED BUT (CLEARLY) NOT DEFLATED

WAIT - WHICH TENNIS BALL AM I MEANT TO HIT?

It's not called the Spanish Armada for nothing. But amongst the deadly destroyers on Spain's ultra-competitive tennis arsenal, Fernando Verdasco has been left behind.

There are eight Spaniards on the ATP Rankings' Top 50. Rafael Nadal (4) and David Ferrer (5) were fixtures at this year's French Open. Nicolas Almagro (16) is the prized fighter everyone expects to burst into the top 10 any time soon. Tommy Robredo (30) remains a quiet force. Feliciano Lopez (39) relentlessly proves he's not just a pretty face. Marcel Granollers (41) has the added edge of being a doubles threat, too, with a career-high ranking of world number 4. Albert Montanes (48) is a pit bull, having been away from the Top 100 for only 20 weeks since he entered it in 2001. And Daniel Gimeno-Traver (50) is the armada's silent assassin, having previously prevailed over Novak Djokovic and Jo-Wilfried Tsonga.

Meanwhile, Verdasco has had a disappointing season so far. He reached the third round of the 2013 Australian Open and of the Masters 1000 in Madrid. Other than that, he did not make it beyond the second round of any tournament in the first five months. He lost in the 2nd round of the 2013 French Open, to Janko Tipsarević, in five sets. Verdasco (56) has the distinction of ranking below Pablo Andujar (52).

Just below Verdasco are Albert Ramos (61), Roberto Bautista Agut (62), and the very menacing Guillermo Garcia-Lopez (79) - all of whom could overtake Verdasco at any time.

It's a tough hand to have, especially for someone who was once ranked world no. 7 in 2009. Verdasco is only 29 - older than Rafa but younger than Ferrer. He should still be playing some really mean tennis today instead of just being a footnote on Spain's Davis Cup titles in 2008, 2009 and 2011.

Oh, well. At least Verdasco can claim to be the only Spanish tennis player to have been picked for a Calvin Klein underwear campaign. Perhaps he might then consider taking tips from Feli on how to both be pretty and powerful on the court?

Excuse me - speaking on destroyers:

JUST POSE, NANDO,
YOU'VE FOUND YOUR CALLING!

RAFAEL NADAL WINS RECORD 8TH FRENCH OPEN TITLE

LOOK, MA! TENNIS BALLS!
THANKS FOR INDULGING US, RAFA.

PH // GETTY IMAGES

The 2013 French Open finale was an anticlimax, really, after the 5-set semifinal nail biter in which Rafael Nadal had disposed of Novak Djokovic. Rafa against David Ferrer was predictably lopsided. Rafa is just the King of Clay. If there's one thing he knows, it's how to take the title on the surface he loves. Meanwhile, it was only Ferrer's first time at Grand Slam finale. Rafa's win makes it a record eighth at Roland Garros. Hurray, world order is as it should be, our beliefs hold strong, we're all satisfied, life goes on as usual.

One thing that kept me excited throughout the tournament, though, was the possibility that another superstar would emerge from the shadows of Roger Federer, Rafa, Nole and Andy Murray. I was rooting for either Gilles Simon or Jo Wilfried-Tsonga - both of whom would have at least enjoyed home court advantage over the formidable Rafa. But alas, it was fellow Spaniard Ferrer who made it all the way through. Though both are from the tennis system that makes clay specialists like McDonald's makes Big Macs, Ferrer hasn't been able to challenge Rafa's dominance on this surface. Or on any other surface, really! Prior to the start of the French Open, Rafa has defeated Ferrer thrice this season.

The older Ferrer (31) can at least take comfort in the fact that he still has thicker, healthier, better hair than Rafa (27). I was super shocked to see on the Saturday edition of the South China Morning Post that Rafa's once-lustrous locks are about to disappear. He may be unstoppable on clay but he can't stop male pattern baldness. No records required; that's just the way the hairline retreats.

Rafa, beat it before it beats you! Just chop it all off right now and own up to your new image as a DILF! You'll be in good company. Look at dear, old Tommy Haas (35), who scored a straight-sets victory against Nole three months ago in Miami and reached Roland Garros' quarterfinals this year!

PH // SOUTH CHINA MORNING POST

RAFAEL NADAL SHOWS US WHAT HE LOOKS LIKE WHEN HE'S MAKING BABIES

// WE APPROVE. //

RAFAEL NADAL WANTS TO SHARE HIS CEREAL WITH YOU.

Such a shame that Rafael Nadal is always injured. We hardly get to see enough of him and his Herculean growls, hair, forearms, bulge, etc.

We've always known Rafa to have a nice butt. But for the first time, we're getting to see his legs in their full, fleshy, meaty, muscular, hairy, glory.

And on that note, we must have a spoonful of whatever he's eating.

Yum.

BITE ME, RAFAEL NADAL.

TORONTO.
OK, THIS CRYSTAL TROPHY IS POSITIVELY PHALLIC.

ROME.
WITH A BIT OF IMAGINATION, THIS VESSEL LOOKS VAGUELY VAGINAL.

WORLD CUP.
STOP IT, RAFA.
YOU DON'T EVEN HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH THIS TROPHY.

ABU DHABI.
IT'S TOO BIG TO BITE, SO RAFA LICKS, INSTEAD.
WE LIKE.

// NO?
HOW 'BOUT A KISS, INSTEAD? :) //

RAFAEL NADAL - THE GRAND SLAM WEDGIE KING

AUSTRALIAN OPEN...

...US OPEN...

...WIMBLEDON...

...AND ON HIS FAVOURITE SURFACE - CLAY - AT THE FRENCH OPEN.

THE BUTT THAT'S CLEARLY HUNGRY FOR MORE.
FUCK YEAH, RAFA!
WE <3 U.

// MUNCH, MUNCH. //

The Spanish Armada: Rafael Nadal

RAFA ADJUSTS

RAFA GRABS

AND RAFA SIZZLES.

IT'S ALL IN THE WEDGIE.

juancarlos FERRERO 
davidFERRER fernandoVERDASCO   
felicianoLOPEZ guillermoGARCIA-LOPEZ 
tommyROBREDO nicolasALMAGRO marcelGRANOLLERS

RAFAEL NADAL

// EL MATADOR //